What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 05:49
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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But it wasn’t much.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im still living with it.
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I said to her
Would this be the day?
I was scared of men, in general
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She married twice! .
I was 9 years of age.
Why are so many young teenage boys misogynistic? Where do they get these attitudes from?
I never cut or harmed myself..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
How many wishes do people get on their birthday?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I write beautiful poetry .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot live in the past .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My family never makes their pension either.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
She was in good health!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is soul school!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Put me off passion for life!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I waited trembling.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
I have no regrets .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I think the readers, may guess!
I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He knew the spot.
And i lived it daily.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I don,t even have a pension.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Who then, do I blame.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She wouldn,t have been !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i do to all so called friends.?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My life is so biszare .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Was to survive, this bastard.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We all went to grammer schools
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When she asked me how she looked .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Comes on , in middle age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
What did i know ?
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.